read the 7 habits today.. at habit 2.. it mentioned that we need to have our own personal mission statement. our centre should not be others but our own personal mission statement. hmm.. was pondering what is my own statement? wat kinda statement should i have?? i think i have totally changed myself to the extent of not being myself anymore. reflected so much.. so much unhappiness overwhelmed me..
when i was 4....
- mummy, i wana go toilet.
mum: y u so troublesome? u control i got no time for u.
- urgent..
mum: slap slap beat beat scold scold...
so i told myself if ever i wana go toilet dont tell just control.. cos will onli get beatings..
when i was 7...
mum: u STUPID isit? wana go toilet duno how to open yr stupid mouth to say? shit on yr pants!!! slap slap beat beat scold scold in public..
i was so puzzled.. no matter wat i do also wrong.. got lost in directions... then... i dont understand y my mum wouldnt just stop beating me!!! results.. sleeping.. toilet.. shower.. nanny... anything!!
in between, i always dont understand y my own aunts n uncles dont like me!! my big uncle's wife framed me!my grandma laughed at me when i got punished. my small aunt whacked me just like my mum. when i was so young n fragile trying to hide behind my dad, he pushed me to my mum so tt she can whack me more. my mum every now n then whack me like hell.. my dad's side.. grandpa dislike me. all other kids got all e good stuff except me! wateva scolding, im oways e 1..
so i decided to change.. dont wana talk anymore.. cos if i talk, they whack. if i keep quiet, nth happens. so tis is FAMILY CENTRED. i let my family affect me.. the feeling- when u r young n fragile, u must alr learn to be independent. when u c yr own frens n strangers their family so nice to them, u r so envious of them.
end of pri sch life came sec sch... worse.. being disliked in school during my sec 1-2 life.. was called teacher's pet.. e guys in class made fun of me.. except a small grp of them willing to b my frens.. WHY? cos im FAT n UGLY. i became FRIEND CENTRED. then once during my sec 3 life, my aunt insulted me like hell. i dont understand y my life is so miserable. so i decided to change again.. during my 10 days camp training-OBS + st john camp.. i tried my best to skip lunch n dinner n all.. tortured myself.. then these camps r tedious camps.. but i wana get out of my fatty life.. sooo.. i torture myself.
great.. in just 10 days, i lost a whole 10kg-w lotsa exercise in camps.. ppl start to like me more. i got more guy frens.. slightly lesser criticism from my own family.. was really happy.. then in e end i motivated myself to score well for my Os.. n yes i did it.. i scored much much better than my younger than 2 days cousin.. this way, i got X-CHANGED for better respect from my own PARENTS n FAMILY.. dont look down at me.. i had oways wanted to study F&N, but in order to win the favour of my dad n let my family not look down on me, i took wat they recommended.. biomedical science. NICE!! my family started to love me more..
when i was in poly.. i told myself i hafta change to be a a better person. n i did.. my temper better controlled n im more involved in sch/ class activities. joined many activities, got to noe many frens.. struggled through the 3 years.. unless to my closer frens, otherwise im still a quiet person.. but even to my frens except besties, when im unhapi or got suggestions, i wun even voice out. i would just swallow it down.. cos i scare ppl will dislike me. so im still FREN CENTRED. btw, even at poly life, my mum still whacked me- not w cane.. but w my dog's chain, w her vacuum flask, injured me.. just over v trivial stuff. n shes oways blaming me for studying in poly, WASTING her cpf $$.. wanted me to drop out.. but wat, i kept quiet. i tink if itz most ppl, they wud hv alr left this family. dont understand y i have sucha fam!
at tt time, i have alr begun losing myself.. then to U for half a year, den back to working life.. changed drastically. even till now, idk who im.. im no longer the june wu shi ming back then. i already dont reli noe how to rebuke back, dont dare to quarrel n voice out my unhappiness etc cos im afraid of losing my current frens, dare not talk much as well. wateva ppl say, i just agree.. i lost myself alr, to e extent of me not knowing how to make decisions, give suggestions etc. of cos, still FRIEND CENTRED. then my parents kept borrowing fr me.. now tt im older, able to earn, they treated me like treasure alr. even my other fams.
i have learnt tt tis is reality.. yes.. there r others who r much worse.. but in my situation, i have learnt the ugly human side. betrayal by frens, by family... got stabbed by them.. no1 willing to help e helpless me.. n so much more!! only when u r wearing a armour n not showing yr real self, just letting ppl c yr fake side then they love u.. tis is wat i learnt. recently another setback.. TRUST- in friendship, love, n family is not worthy at all.. friendship, love n family- over my 26 years, i have learnt tat they r v scary.. they caused me to lose myself.. sumtimes when im w my frens, idk whether to remove my armour anot. cause im afraid to get hurt more. yes, at times i tried my best to convince myself but at times, im just afraid. im sorry if at times i din give any suggestions or talk much or sum stupid weird behaviour. im just zi bei, n scared to remove my armour down.
after all tis craps i hv been thru, wat is my personal mission statement? i also duno.. cos i cant convinced myself to not b friend or family centred yet!! if since 4 i have already start losing myself, how m i gg to find myself back?? idk wat kinda person m i? m i really a good person? or a evil person? wat kinda person m i to my fam, frens? wat kinda person m i to myself? DONT KNOW! hoepfully i can search for myself SOON~
